Metal Half God
by Theleafylord
Summary: Percy starts a life of infamy of crime, because he's tired and it made sense the previous night.
1. Metal Half God

**Metal half god**

**Disclaimer: Percy belongs to Rick Riordian**

Okay. This was going to freak my mom out. But she has to be told. I can't go own like this. Every gene in my body screamed for it. My mom was sitting across from me, ready to hear my so called "announcement." She and Mr. Blowfish.

"Okay, this may sound odd, but mom, I forged your signature and used some of your personal information to disown myself." I said. Yeah, break it gently.

Mr Blowfish spat out his tea, the ungrateful bastard. " Percy, why did you do that?" asked my mom, looking confused. 'How did you do that?"

"it was easy. After all that blowing up and coincidental destruction that follows me around, including me going in and threatening one of the damn government receptionists I managed to convince them I'm a danger to myself and the entire country. They really were quite understanding." I said nodding.

"You threatened a receptionist?" said my mom with a gasp. " Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she got over it and we have a date on Saturday." I said, waving my hands to show this was not important. "Anyway, some people will be coming to arrest me in about five minutes so we should make our goodbyes quick."

"Percy, you wait, what why?" began my mom, a little shocked and apparently a bit unsure about what was going on.

"Well, it's like this. I realized I'm a pawn for the Olympians and if I continue living with you, they can get me into some stupid war that'll be confusing and stuff. So, I decided to live a life a crime and infamy using my godly powers for these ends." I said.

"But you can't just do this!" said my mom. "You can't just leave!"

"Actually I can." I said. "You see, rules are just words, and they can't stop me. Or some other metaphorical question. The point is nothing really stops me, people just tell me I can't do it or it's not possible." I scratched my head. "It made so much more sense last night. Mom, do you have any vodka on you?"

"Percy!" said my mom, moving her eyes to indicate Blowfish. I understood her on a mother son level.

"You think Blowfish has some?" I asked.

"Percy, I know I have no authority over you." began Blowfish. "But I think you're really hurting your mother by doing this. And I think it's insane."

There was a frantic knocking at the door. "Hah! That'll be the law!" I said. " Bye every one!" Ignoring some other random cries I jumped out the window and hit the fire escape. Stupid fire escape.

Two people entered the room. "Hey guys what's going on?" said some people dressed like Mr. Blowfish parents who me and my mom were supposed to meet. Note I said dressed like. The government can't fool me.

Very well. It's time to fly! I jumped over the fire escape. Looking back, that might have been a mistake, us being on the thirteenth floor and all. But it was unexpected. It had style. I free fell with much grace securing my skateboard beneath my legs. And then I remembered. I neglected to ever practice skateboarding. For a lesser mortal, this would be quite hard.

"Percy!" came a voice from above. I looked up. And then down at the rapidly approaching ground. Wow. It sure takes a while to fall. I fell right into the garbage truck, and rode off to safety. Wait. garbage truck? Who to the garbage people work for? Ah yes. They really are very clever.

"Hey get off that garbage truck!" yelled someone. He was lucky, I was intending to do that anyway. I jumped off the truck and ran into an alley. If I'm right, the other part of my plan should have started working right about now.

**In Sally Jackson apartments...**

"So you're saying your son disowned himself and then, correct me if I'm wrong, jumped off the fires escape?" asked the police officer.

"Yes." said Sally, slightly teary eyed.

"I understand." said the officer. "Was his sex life healthy?"

"What?" asked Sally. "He..he wasn't active I think."

"Some people just don't make the effort." said the police officer, shaking his head.

"He was only 13!" said Sally angrily.

"Prude." said the man. "Okay, I believe I have enough-

"Sorry, we're late." said two police officer walking in through the door. "We had to chase some kid off a garbage truck. We believe you have a missing child Miss Jackson?" asked the latter of the two.

Sally turned to stare at the other police man. "You're not a real police man are you?" she asked.

"No, I'm just a pizza delivery man who's very lonely." he said, lowering his head.

"Rod, is that you?" asked one of the police man. "We told you if we caught you impersonating an officer again we'll have to arrest you!"

"It's okay." said Rod sadly. "I'll just cuff myself and wait till this is done." He said, cuffing himself to the chair.

"Okay, Miss Jackson we'll have to make this quick." said on of the officers. "Do you have a picture of your son?"

"Yes, I believe so." said Sally, and walked over to the edge of the room where she had a box full of picture of Percy. They were all gone. In their place was a note.

_Dear mom,_

_I'm sorry but I can't be found that easily!!!!! I hid all the pictures in my room!_

_Love, Percy, your probably already disowned son._

"Sally." said Mr. Blowfish, walking out of Percy's room. "I found all these photos on Percy's desk."

Sally looked at the pictures. One every single one of them, Percy had drawn a large black moustache. On a few they weren't even drawn on his face. "Here you go officers." she said softly. "But he doesn't really have a moustache."

"Right maam." said the officer. "We'll call you if anything happens." They left, solemnly, with a lonely pizza delivery guy called Rod.

**In front of the Subway...**

They should be starting to chase me any minute now. And now my true brilliance will at last be revealed. My mom will tell them to search for someone without a moustache, but I'm going to grow one. I felt the skin above my lip. It was already kind of fuzzy. Perfect.


	2. Word Up!

**Word Up!**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain**

My life of crime and infamy has been going on for about five minutes. An ordinary person would have been caught long ago. But not me. That's not how I roll. I plan on turning this into a life. So obviously, I need a base, or a place to stash my stuff. This train in the subway seems like the perfect place. The police will never find it, because the next day, it won't be here anymore. Your average law enforcement officer is not trained to deal with this kind of brilliant thinking.

I walked into a German glassworkers shop. I had the perfect plan to distract the cashier while I slip valuable objects into my jacket. It didn't have to be foolproof, because I'm not a fool.

"Hello." I said, walking in and flashing a brilliant smile. "I believe you sell I pods...may I see one?"

" I'm sorry sir, but you are mistaken we only sell glass objects and post cards here." said the cashier.

"This is a German glassworkers shop." I said. "Of course you sell I pods." I paused. "Do you need to show the secret handshake to see one now?"

" Sir, we do not sell I pods." said the lady. "Please leave or browse, but stop asking for I pods."

"Perhaps you should check your stock behind the counter." I said.

"There is no stock behind the counter." said the lady. "Now please leave or I'll call security?"

"Is that some kind of pick up attempt?" I asked. She blushed. Oh yeah. I was in. Then she pressed the panic button. Damn. Now I'm out. "Hmm. We may need to tweak our relationship a bit before it works." I said.

"Security!" she yelled. "Please throw this boy out of the premises."

My hands moved fast. "You sure you want to do this boys?" I asked, changing to fighting stance.

"Yeah." said one of them, and picked me up and threw me into the street. Ha. Victory belongs to me. When she wasn't looking, I stole the post cards. Now, to make my escape. An idiot would have an accomplice ready to drive him away. I preferred to hitch a ride in secret, and then make my own way home. I started looking around for a family that had a kid who looked about my size. I quickly saw one.

The guy had red hair but he would do. I was about to make my escape. "Move it kid!" I yelled and punched him.

I climbed in the car before the family realized what happened and drove for about 30 seconds until his dad said "Greg, did you manage to- WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" yelled his dad.

"Just drive and no one gets hurt." I said softly. "I leaned over to him. I have your son. Comply to my every demand and he'll live to see..He'll live okay?"

"But he's lying on the curb right over there." said his dad. Damn. I had to pick an intellectual.

"I have my sniper rifle pointing at him right now." I said, my lips relishing the lie. "Now, get me to the subway right and I'll."

"Where?" asked the man.

"The one in east 12 street and then" you I tried to continue.

"No, where's your sniper rifle?" asked the man. Double damn! I picked a smart intellectual.

"Oi, move it!" yelled someone behind us.

"Our sudden stop appear to have upset some sort of traffic." I commented dryly. "Now go, or your son gets it. And it is not very nice."

"But you don't even have a sniper rifle." said the man, sounding exasperated.

"I left it in my other pants ok?" I said. "Now, if we go now, the heat shouldn't get too intense."

"GET OFF THE ROAD!" yelled someone else.

" Hey! I'm hijacking someone here! Be patient you illiterate bubble printer!" I yelled back.

"Go hijack him somewhere else!" yelled another voice in the sea of cars.

"We'll I'd like to but he doesn't want to drive and I afraid if I drive it'll seem suspicious!" I yelled. Honestly. Some people delude themselves so easily.

"Just get out of the way you moron!" yelled the first guy.

"Do you want me to come over there?" I yelled back.

"No offense, uh, whatever you name is but-

"It's Jack." I said. "Jack Percyson." Yeah, when on the run, most would just switch their surname's and names but I always go a bit further, and a lot further from actually being caught.

"Very well mister Percyson, but can I please go help my son?" asked the man. "He still hasn't gotten up."

"I ducked taped his legs to the ground." I said.

"JUST GET OFF THE ROAD!" yelled someone.

"That's it!" I yelled. "You're going down!" I yelled, running at him full pelt drawing and using Riptide to smash through his wind shield.

"It wasn't me!" yelled the woman in the car. "It was the guy behind me!"

"Oh sorry." I said. "Have a post card." I repeated the maneuver on the guy behind her. I was ready to deliver the blow which, him being mortal, would have gone right through him when someone yelled. Someone in a pizza delivery uniform.

"It is I, Rod, the framed by the large companies cop, who was fired and demoted to pizza delivery man, and now, Percy Jackson, I shall capture you, and regain my former position as Sergeant!" yelled the guy.

"So the pizza delivery men also work for them?" I said. "Interesting. But just one thing, mister Rod, you'll never take me. Oh yeah, to you have a Boston on you? I'm kinda hungry."

"Well yeah, but it's meant for this guy in the Bronx." said Rod, checking his list.

"Well, if you're going to be chasing me it'll be cold. You better call your pizza place and tell them to cover you deliveries, and then you can sell that one to me." I said. " Besides, you look like you hit rock bottom and it punched back."

" Your clever arguments won't take me." said Rod. "In fact, you're an idiot."

"Great." I said. "So what was life as a cop like?" I asked.

"Well, I wasn't really a cop, I just have emotional problems and I crave attention but-

I didn't hear the rest. Because I was running. I ran to the subway, not noticing the sides, and twice, jumping into newsstands to avoid cops. With a yell of triumph, I jumped onto the train, just as it started moving. Hah. Tomorrow, I'll implicate the second part of my plan, which is to steal a dangerous criminal's cell phone, so I have connections in the criminal underworld. I looked at the post cards in my hand. Perfect.

**Thanks for all the rweivs, and Percy's the metal half god. He lost his n.**


	3. Defy You

**Defy You**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain**

You know, as I was sitting on the rapidly leaving train, I started to think. In my next stop, witch would probably be Miami or Florida or something, I needed connections. Underworld connections.

But it would be difficult to go into seedy taverns and ale houses looking for rouges and low lives. I'm a sex symbol. I stand out. So I had a better plan. I was going to steal a random thug's cell phone, jot down the numbers, and call them, and send them pictures of myself so we're like family. It'll be glorious.

I stepped into the street. Heads turned. Cars screeched. Small children fled the now dangerous city to find a better life out in the fields. I flicked a post card at a random guy. "Sup, slick. Where in Florida am I?"

"You're in New York." said the man. "At the station on East 12 street." Ha. So the government must have shut down all trains to get me. We'll it won't be easy. I move around a lot.

"Say, what we're you doing on the decommissioned train?" asked the guy. "It's dangerous." Yeah, like his face.

"Be quite." I said. "So, they wanna play with me do they?" I asked. "IT'S ON!" I yelled, running into the street, looking for a likely thug.

I stopped before a big building. Ah. There's a likely person, in his suit and well combed hair and briefcase. Scumbag. I'll rip him to shreds. Using half blood charged strength, I sprinted right into him and knocked him over, stealing his phone.

"Ow! Get back here you moron!" yelled the guy from his dirt vantage point. Ha! If I was a moron I would come back, but I'm not, so I won't. Loser!

"Hello, who is this?" I asked, holding the phone up to my ear.

" Chief, what the hell just happened?" came the voice. Ah, so my guy is a news paper editor. They probably know all the scum and crud in this city. But I'll take a while to sort through the politicians and get to guys who can help me.

"The Chief is out of the picture." I said. "I'm the new editor. Now, give me all the numbers of all major criminals in this city, and make it quick."

" Men, we have an assault on the chief!" came the voice. "Al right, you sick bastard, what do you want?"

"Numbers." I said. "Tell me where we can meet, and discuss a deal that works for both of us." Damn I'm good at negotiating.

"You serious?" came the voice, now angry. "Fine, come to 123 Cymphony Road in an hour and we'll talk." Hah. He must think I'm stupid. Walk unprepared into a building. Huh. I'm getting a scarecrow.

"Right. See you." I said, slipping the phone into my pocket. Well they think they're smart. But I'm way smarter.

I walked to the mall and looked for what I needed. Ah. A clothing shop. "Hey." I said, and the cashier turned to stare into my gorgeously tantalizing eyes. "I need you to make a scarecrow that looks just like me."

"Excuse me?" she asked.

I sighed. Honestly, my brilliance is so underrated. "Take one of the dummy's and paint my face on it, and give it a t shirt."

" May I ask why you need that." she asked, with half an eyebrow raised.

"You may ask." I said. "But you may not get an answer." Ha! Double zing!

"Okay, but you know, we may charge you extra for any damage, as determined by your face." she said. Okay. I may have misheard that but hey, I'm awesome. "It'll be ready in an hour. Funnily enough, do you know we're the only store in the mall that does this?"

"It's an underground market." I said. "Like computers. Anyway, I'll be back." Wow. She was into my vibe.

"So do you-"

"No."

"Would you like to-

"No."

"Ah. Kitty got claws."

"LEAVE THE STINKING SHOP!" yelled the cashier. Wow. She must be trying to please me with material things.

Ok. She has some issues. I'll leave her with them. So...I got an hour to kill. That's plenty of time to solve a bothersome theologian problem I've been having.

**Twenty Minutes Later, in a starbucks...**

"Hello." I said to the person who was supposed to be helping me.

"Can I take your order?" asked the guy.

"I'm afraid I have a rather difficult question for you." I said. The person behind made a tut tut noise. The other twenty people didn't notice.

"Okay." said the guy.

"Yeah, so if coffee is black when you make it, shouldn't adding milk make it grey?" I asked. "As opposed to a brown color?"

The guy froze. Obviously stunned by my geniousness. "And I can't get to the store very often, due to the time my criminal life style consumes. How do I milk myself?" I asked

"Very funny kid." he said. "Now leave."

"I'm serious." I said. "Stealing stuff really cuts into my time."

"Kid, you're holding up the queue." said the man. "Next!"

"You win this time." I said. "But I'll be back." I walked over to the bathroom. Hmm. "Uh, does anyone have pictures of hot emo girls?" I asked.

"Isn't that an oxymoron?" asked an odd preppy type.

"You know what's a plain moron?" I asked. "You. Now, seriously, does no one have any pics?"

" You wanna make something of this punk?" asked the guy, standing up. "Cause I'll go Revolution 909 on your little pimply behind, and then taunt you suggestively."

"Screw you!" I said. "I'm not into punk, I like Nu Metal!"

"You know, I was considering letting you live." said the guy, slowly sliding off his gloves. "But now, I'm going to buy you a milkshake and we'll talk about our favorite bands!"

**40 minutes later...**

"Bye Toby!" I said, walking away. Man, that was fun, and hilarious in dialogue. Too bad I'll never remember what happened. "I believe you have a scarecrow for me?"

"Yeah." said the cashier, handing me a torso, in a red t-shirt, with a little face painted on.

"Um, this is not my face." I said.

"Yeah." said the cashier. "We didn't want to expose the artist to your face. He already has enough issues." Man. Is this girl contagious or something?

"Yeah, and an unrequited love affair with a teenage boy won't help." I said, understanding. "We'll I gotta run before you make me pay." I glanced at her. "Oh yeah, the name is Jack. Jack Percyson." I ran away.

**123 Cymphony street...**

Ah. The street where the print jockey told me to meet him. Hmm. It's kinda blue. And there's some weird message on the outside. "To torpec and verse." Odd. It must be Latin, or they have really odd motivational messages. Stupid dylexisia.

I slung the scarecrow over my shoulder. It was a brilliant ruse, anyone will have to admit. I'll keep the scarecrow in front of me, and they'll think it's me, shoot the scarecrow and give me time to beat them up. I walked into the building.

I looked at the secretary or receptionist or whatever. "Hello." I said charmingly. "I'd like to talk with someone to get the numbers of all the major criminals in the city."

She spat out her coffee. Someone probably switched it with decaff or something. "You're, you're the guy who assaulted the chief?"

"Assaulted is a bit of a strong word. I just jumped him and stole his cell phone." I said, slicking back my hair. "Oh yeah ,I'm a registered blood donor."

"You know that's a felony right?" she asked, pressing some sort of button.

"No, this is a felony!" I yelled, and ripped her phone's wires and throwing the phone out the window.

"It's on now!" said the voice a recognized from the phone, pointing a gun right at me. It started to click.

"You aren't newspapers people at all are you?" I asked. "You're bakers! Die scum!" I threw the scarecrow into the air, and watched as two gunshots went off, one winging the scarecrow. I ran out the door and into a nearby alleyway.

I ran a little further, when suddenly my cell phone started playing Duality. "Yello." I said, calmly slicking into an unsuspicious walk.

"Hello, Jack, this is Greg." said the voice who I had previously carjacked. Or his dad. Whatever. "Listen, would you be able to baby-sit my little sister tomorrow?" Ah. So the general public still trust me. Perfect.


	4. Chop Suey!

**Chop Suey!**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain**

You know, when it comes to girls, I'm like a rampant hockey player. If I see it, I hit it. Otherwise, I have the most cool and calculating mind imaginable. Not that you are good smart enough to imagine it anyway.

Once I again, I outdid myself twice. I shall now start to rob sample ladies, since the stuff is free and therefore it's not illegal to steal it. This is the kind of thinking that'll revolutionaries crime. I walked into a mall and found my intended victim...

"Would you like a free sample, sir?" said a smiling lady in a pink suit. Hmm. Yeah, you laugh now...

"I've considered your question." I said softly, taking out my sword. "And the answer is no." Now reel 'em in!

"What the dental floss?" yelled the lady. Okay. Once again I seemingly started robbing an intellectual.

"Just give me the free stuff and now one gets hurt!" I yelled, with anger, zest and Jeff.

"Security!" yelled the woman. "Martin Gates! Spiderman! Anyone!" Ah ha! The list of people she has been robbed by and or given birth too grows.

"No one can hear you!" I whispered, ignoring the odd looks we were getting from passers by. They probably recognized me as Miss Universe.

"Halt! In the name of the queen, stop!" yelled an, oh no! British people!

"You shall not foil my plans this time Alucard!" I yelled.

"What the heck?" said the British person. "My name is Laurence. I just don't like the look of you."

"Do you like the look of my sword!" I yelled, charging at her. Insults and threats, Tenzen style baby.

"Um, are you going to help me at all?" asked the samples lady.

"Laurence is an ugly name!" I yelled, trying to break her emotionally. "Your one tit is bigger than the other!"

"And what's you name?" asked Laurence.

"Jack. Jack Percyson." I said, with relish at the name of the greatest criminal ever.

"You're a criminal and you told me your full name?" she asked despondently

"What makes you think it's my real name?!?!" I yelled, charging at her with my sword.

She sidestepped and I hit a pillar. Damn she's good. "Nah nah, you can hit me!" she yelled vindictively.

"Damn she's right!" I narrated loudly. "Must use super powers!" Now, find the source of water, make it part of your will, and...

"Hey, that 57.3 meters away water fountain exploded!" said the sample's lady. Hmm. Maybe it was a bad target.

"Hah! I was aiming for Laurence!" I said, causing irrational fear. "I can make things explode!" Especially with envy. Especially with envy.

"Your aim is 57.3 meters off?" asked Laurence.

"It looks more like 46.9 meters now." said the sample's lady. "If you were to measuring from the centre of the radius which is now covered in fountain debris." Great. More home economics.

" I only need to hit you once!" I yelled, and got tackled by security, Laurence, two car guards and Laurence again.

"And stop stealing free stuff!" yelled the security as he ejected me from the building in a community friendly manner.

Ha! While they weren't looking, I stole 4 walkie talkies, a cutlery set, both of the mona lisa's, and several badges in case I need to rob the place again. Stupid car guards.

**At the Police Headquarters...**

"Men, we have a delusional lost child out there, who attacks cops." said the chief. "What do we do?"

"Capture him and make him sit a fair trail for his crimes!" said one of the officers promptly.

"Correct!" said the chief. "I suggest we kill him then tape him to the chair!"

"Rod is that you again?" asked one of the sergeants with a sigh.

**Back to Percy...**

"Why the hell is sergeants spelled with an e?" 

**Back to the police...**

"Come on guys, I just wanted to be helpful." said Rod sadly, while disguised as the chief.

"Go cuff yourself in the Break room." said the officer sadly.

"Fine. I just wanted to be loved." said Rod sadly.

"Shame. He was a good cop last week." said the sergeant.

"What happened?" asked the officer. "Was he implicated in a crime in extremely suspicious circumstances which suggests that he was framed but he can't prove otherwise?"

"Nope." said the sergeant. "He's just went completely insane."

"Help! I have a wine gum stuck in my nose!" came a voice from the break room, and the hunt for the infamous Jack Percyson started again.

**Back to planet Percy...**

Yeah, that's the plan. I know what my next twelve moves are. Like chess, but without bishops and more of me. It's so simple it's complex. See, I'll sell the stuff I stole, buy new legal stuff and sell that too, effectively laundering the money. No one will realize I'm selling stolen things. Especially if I do it in the same store.

Ha! This is the kind of genius that'll come before and after me! Afore me! Or befter me. Or whatever.

Now all I need to do is to get to Annabethm and for that, I need to go to California, and hope someone there knows where she lives. Meh Meh Meh. Or I'll just geuss. Whatever.

"Oh hi, Blowfish." I said, walking past the guy who was dating my mom.

"Percy! What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, shock in his face.

"Gasp! You're cheating on my mother? That's why you're in this apartment?" I asked, admiring his player skillz.

"Um, Percy, this is your mother's apartment." said Blowfish, still looking shocked.

"Yeah, I know." I said. "I just forgot my back up shoes. I'll go get them." He still looked numbstruck. Oh come on, it was obvious he was cheating on my mom!

"Got them. Bye!" I said, jumping out the window, and hitting the fire escape again. I have to stop doing that. But, first, I need to take my "shoes" away. Perfect.


	5. Down with the Governor!

Down With thE Governor

Disclaimer: Percy Jackson Belongs To Rick Riordian.

Some accuse me of brilliance. Other, accuse me of stealing. Both are right, seeing as how I have done both, in excessively large amounts. I am Percy Jackson ladies and Gentleman, a name you will not forget.

"Well, Percival." Said Mr.D adjusting his monocle, "You have made a right mess of things."

"Of course, Sir." I said, glaring at the police who surrounded me.

"Did you not know that stab wounds can kill?" asked Mr.D, glaring down at me with his monocle enhanced eye.

"No sure. I have ADHD. I must have misread that part during Maths." I said, keeping on my poker face.

"Rum thing. Jolly well." Said Mr.D. "We'll my good officers, I think this is a case of Boys will be boys eh?"



" Sir……I feel obliged to ask." Said one of the officers.

" Go ahead old boy." He said, adjusting his monocle. "Is my monocle doing anything for you?"

"Well, it's not that as much as the fact that you're not wearing any clothes." Said the officer averting his eyes. Funny that. You'd think I'd notice.

" Well, I thought I should make a good impression of a modern Renaissance man so I got out the old monocle. But none of my clothes match it so here I am!" said Mr.D.

"Umm……okay. You do realize you do not seem to be a fit guardian for this obviously disturbed and badly endowed boy?"

Mr.D flicked his finger and the mans eyes went blank. "Come Patrick." He said idly materializing clothes over himself. "Back to camp half blood with you." Damn….I'm back to that boot camp….where they'll try to contain me again……

**BACK AT CAMP HALF BLOOD!**

"Well Percy once again you and I are reunited in our epic battle at camp half blood." Said Mr.D with a disgusted look on his face. "You will try to crack me with rudeness, unpleasantness and make me sit up all night worrying while you sneak off on dangerous quests and I will try and shower you with love and kindness in the hope that you'll change." He paused, as if to listen to what he just said. "God I hate you, you little cocksucker."

"Oh yeah?" I asked, teenage angst and defiance and lust in my eyes. "Well you're starting to get old woman odours. It's unpleasant to be around you, sometimes."

We were interrupted in the middle of our epic battle of words which could've consumed many an hour by the entering of a young girl. About 14. "Oh, yes, Elizabeth, this is Pebble, the son of Poseidon, and one of the most balanced and mightiest half bloods in the camp. He will show you around and possibly give you face herpes. I wouldn't recommend going anywhere with him but I hate both of you so go! Go man, go!"

"Hello." Said Elizabeth breathless, gazing into my eyes.

"Wow. It looks like you already have face herpes." I said, effortlessly breaking the ice.

"What?" she asked with a stupefied expression.

"Don't worry, I've gone gross and now nothing comes close." I said slicking back my hair and smiling.

"I'm back so quit you're canoodling." Said Mr.D. "You stuck up wastes of demi godliness."

"Hey Mr.D." I said. "Nice towel."

"I noted the sarcasm." Said Mr.D, wrapping the warm, moist towel tightly around his middle. "In any case, I forgot to give you these forms. All campers have to fill them in. They concern the smoking habits of the campers and we're considering installing a cigarette vending machine. Do not be disturbed by the fact that any camper caught smoking, regardless of age will be thrown out of camp half blood and half blood. That's why these are anonymous." He turned and gazed at our shocked herpes filled faces. "Have a good one." He said and left.

Mr.D , my great guardian and trapper of my reckless enthusiasm and creativity, as well as my bad as rebel, has forgotten I have the potential of a ninja in me. If I simply fill the forms in a way that suggest that I, Percy Jackson smoke….I will be free…..I turned, grinning and laughing like a genius and took my stolen pen to the forms.

**Please feel free to remain anonymous, and answer honestly. **

**Are you a smoker?** Hmm……I have to be subtle…

_I am Percy Jackson. Yes._

**2. What type of cigarette's do you smoke?**

_Percy Jacksonish ones._

**3. How was your first cigarette? **

_Satan._

**4. Why did you start smoking?**

_Because I am Percy Jackson._

**5. Why did you continue?**

_Because I am still Percy Jackson._

**6. How many cigarette's do you smoke a day?**

_666. ( I am Percy Jackson.)_

**7. Do your friends or family smoke?**

My mother doesn't. I am unsure about my father, the God of the Sea, Poseidon. Why don't you find out, and tell all the children of Poseidon at the camp, so the individual children of Poseidon, such as me, Percy Jackson, can remain anonymous?

**8. Are you Percy Jackson?**

_I dunno LOL! Isn't this supposed to be anonymous?_

I looked down at my answer sheet…..with some luck ,they'll discover it was me and expel me……I would laugh, but I am evil.


	6. Evolution:

**Evolution:**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson Belongs to Rick Riordian**

The criminal mind evolves. From the early cave thieves who robbed people of their Dino Money and got beaten up by the Powerpuff Girls to modern super criminals, who can breathe underwater and record deals. I shall join their ranks, by evolving extremely fast, into this modern world, until I surpass all who came before me. But first, a snack.

I was sitting outside the Big House, idly waiting for Mr.D to analyze my forms and put the broken pieces together and realize that I, Presumes Brain Jackson am a occasional social smoker. It may be hard, but his keen intellect, and driving determination will-

"Sup Pursy!" said Grover, the G man. "I heard you become a criminal."

"Yes Grover." I said, crossing my leg like most stuffy criminals do. "I am, as they say, a lawless brigand. You may, if you wish, turn your face away in disgust."

Grover grinned like only a modern version of a race of perverted sex fiends can. "Nah man. I'm in a gang myself! I wanted to ask if you wanted to join!"

"You're in a gang?" I asked. Mind you, it makes sense. Back in our old dorms, when ever I and the cool kids started masturbating he would never removes his pants. It was suspicious…..

" Yeah! The grover street og's!" He said, with a grin. "I made a humorous statement that had no basis in fact. We're in fact called Gang."

That's also weird…..he never showered with us or changed when we were to play athletics or cricket or whatever…..but he did emotionally support me when Annabeth left me for Jeff the school jock….. "Where did you get the name?" I asked one eyedly.

"Well, you know how many Antichrists and Punk Rock lead singers have dog's called Dog? We took inspiration from their genius and sculpted our name from a modified version of their idea." Said Grover.

Was Annabeth even in my school with Grover? I think it was an all boy school……but why did that red haired chick always bother me…..maybe she was into me….but how did she get into an all boy school? Wait….was my enemy friends with Annabeth? Ohhhhh……maybe they had sexy time in the girls dorm….. "Ok cool man." I said, trying to stop the ensuing mental movie to form in my head. "What's your gang name?"



"Man G!" said Grover proudly. "See, it sounds like mangy, which is a reference to my very hairy legs and large toenails which also look like hoofs." HA HA HA HA. Sorry. Computers are too funny.

"So, are we gonna go meet this gang called Gang or what?" I asked, putting my pants back on.

"Sure!" said the G man, or Man G. "We meet inside the girls bathrooms every two hours in the hope that one day we'll figure out when they shower."

"Brilliant." I said. "But how do mortals get inside Camp Half Blood?" As you may have noticed…..I, a true criminal have shattered my own libido to maximize my criminal effectiveness.

"Percy, don't ask stupid questions which contain logic." Said Man G. "You are a part of Gang now, and will now longer be a slave to logic or gravity or the humor of computers or what not."

"Cool." Said stepping, inside of the rather crowded bathroom. "Hey who's that fat overweight Asian guy with glasses in a wheel chair who looks like Chiron?"



"That's Chiron." Said Man G. "He started eating a diet of dust after watching this weird show and really let his physical appearance go after that."

I however, did not hear him. In my haste of awesomeness I mistook Chiron for Santa Clause and sat on his lap. "Heya Santa." I said. "Can you perhaps tell me if my old school was an all boy school?"

"I'm Chiron you….you…..you Noodleneck!" yelled Santa angrily.

"Then why do you look Asian?" I asked.

" I started reading Manga." Said Clause Chiron.

"Oh ok. Can I have some Death Note manga this year please? Except for some minor offences I have been a vewy good boy." I said.

"Get off my god damn lap." Said Chiron, pushing me so I hit the hard tiles with a thump. Wut put put put.

I stood up blearily and buttoned my shirt. Remember kids, always make that extra effort to ensure Santa likes you. "Hey who's that guy in the corner eating doughnuts?" I asked.

"That's Rod the undercover policeman." Said Man G. Meanwhile Rod, made a disgusted face and spat the doughnut out.

"Wow. Is he weight watching or something?" asked Chiron, wheelchair rolling closer.

"No he has self worth issues." Says Grover. "He wanted to be a cop or something but he can't so he joins gangs and pretends to be an undercover cop."

"That sounds fun." I said. "But why are you, me, Chiron and Rod the only people here?"

"If he waits suspiciously in my room for twenty hours in the hopes that I will catch him be suspicious in my room one more time….oh sorry what?" asked Grover.

"Only our core people are here." Said Chiron. "For we are planning the greatest robbery of all time!"

" What are we planning to steal, which is the likes of which the world has never known!" screamed Rod, really loudly. "I shall write it down and maybe talk to some police officers in a completely unsuspicious 

way! Do not tail me, in a way that suggests you doubt my loyalties, for it is unnesscery!"

" Your continued loyalty and academicals brilliance is an inspiration to us all!" said Chiron. "FOR WE ARE ROBBING THE GODS THEMSELVES AT OLYMPUS!"

"Excellent!" I said, glad that my connection with grover has yelled such delicious fruit. "What are we stealing from them?"

"WE ARE STEALING….." said Chiron. "THE GODS THEMSELVES. AND WE SHALL KEEP THEM…." He took out a small cardboard box. "IN THIS BOX!"

"Oops!" said Ron, ripping open his shirt. "What are all these wires on my body? I have no idea. Nor what this BADGE!" he yelled taking out a police badge, "Is. Oh deary me."

"Do some research." Suggested Man G. "Is this robbery on?" he asked, grinning.

"It's on." I said.


	7. Chiron’s three:

**Chiron's three:**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordian.**

We were gather for a purpose…..the greatest robbery of all time. We have the four hoofed genius who looks like Santa and reads Manga, the perverted goat with hairy legs and small squickly squirrel eyes, the man who's self delusion is only surpassed by his incredible loyalty and academical abilities, and last, but so far from least it's farther than um…something, myself. The young gun. As yet, I have never robbed on this scale before……but I am Percy Jackson….the inevitable…..the incredible….the beautiful……..excuse me. I need some alone time.

"The gods……" whispered Rod softly…… "That's code for wheaties right?"

" Mount Olympus….." I said breathlessly. "I have often dreamed of going back….in womens clothing…and dancing….." I had that far away but oh so dreamy look in my eyes again.

Grover coughed. "Um…..I think I found a small logical flaw in our plan." Oh curses….

"What is it, my young'un?" asked Chiron.

"Well……" said Grover. " The fish paste." Oh no……not now……after so much time…..

"I'm confused." Said Rod, speaking into a microphone, one of those commonly used by the police during sting operations. " How are fish paste relevant?"

Chiron paused. "We teach our campers….a lie. That the gods go to wherever the flame of the West burns the brightest….that is a lie. They go to wherever the largest fishpaste factories are….follow the pattern….Ancient Greece….Rome…..England…..France…..Euro Disney….Spain….and finally… ….right here in………U.S.A."

"The Usa!" I said. "Oh crap, that's where we are now!"

"Exactly, young Presumes….I have weathered two thousand years…in an epic wait for the three greatest criminal minds of all time ever….to help me steal the gods." Said Chiron.

I bowed before him. "You shall have to wait no longer. We shall steal these precious gods and sell them on Ebay for you…..and then…we um……why are we stealing the gods?"

"Excackly! I have all we need in this van!" said Chiron, taking out a small toy car. "To the Empire state building!" Oh yeah! Road trip!

**The empire State building: **

" Hello." I said, smoothly, adjusting my disguise. "We are four traveling builders bearing pizza. Let us in fair gate keeper."

"Percy!" hissed Chiron. "Didn't you read your lines? Does were not your lines!" Bloody puissant.

"Look." I sharply retorted, turning the argument in my favor. "Reading is hard. So I improvised."

" I ap to the ologaise for my comrade day!" said Grover. "We are pizza delivery men! We are high, on crack, so that we can go up the little happy tower to the gods and not be suspicious or tell people about it afterwards." Hmm……..yeah right. Like anyone will believe we're on crack.

" Oh…." Said the guard. " Lord Zeus has the oddest fancies..remember, everything weird is caused by the crack. There are no gods up there…..just, um…very tall business men…..who like pizza….be on your merry way…" He idly pressed a button and the lift opened. We moved towards it when-

"Hang on a minute!" said the watchman, turning his head towards us. "Why are you dressed us builders?" Damn……..he needs a strong argument, more than the usual "It's the fashion, governor!"

"Ummmmm……." Said Grover looking to us in support. I knew I had to intervene.

"We are part time builders." I said. "We're building two architects after this."

"Oh…..and why are there four of you?" he asked, sharply, wittily, seductively.

"This shit is for the gods dawg!" said Rod arrogantly. "It's like…..very heavy! All of us have to carry it."

"Oh ok." Said the guard. "Go right on up." Up we went…….upwards.

Rod suddenly ran to the guard. "Call the Police. Say Agent R.O.D called. He's infiltrated the gang and will stop them at all costs. You're country thanks you." He turned back to us. "Just found out what the time was. Don't want to miss tonights episode of….um….tv…"

"Excellent shuffling Mr.Shuffly…." I muttered incoherently, having dropped the pack of playing cards I've been carrying.

The elevator moved upwards, with us fiendishly going over our roles and checking our equipment. It was a nerves thing. You functioned better if you knew the things you need are working. We four we're the quite defiance of the gods…. Ready to rock……

"Hey Chiron…" I said , as the Lift continued upwards. "Now that you don't have to pretend to be a be a pawn of the gods anymore, can you tell me the so called Prophecy that could be about me?" At last…..I shall know….

"Sure thing Jack…." Said Chiron, using my criminal name, as we criminals do. " I shall speak in Italics, to make it seem more significant!"

"Wait, what?" said Grover.

_The blood of mortal and the blood of gods_

_United in one one to unite_

_The powers of all_

_One will reunite and save the gods_

_Or all shall fall_

_At the sixteenth one's choice will divide_

_Between titans and gods the world's fate to decide._

_Unless he does something crazy earlier like try to steal the gods in a little box while dressed as a builder or something._

"Ha." I said. "Good thing we know the oracle is probably retarded by now or something."

"Yeah and we have nothing to worry about anyway." Said Grover. "My man the action Percy Jackson is not crazy so we're safe." I feel so honored by my friends' faith in me…..all hero's should be surrounded by love and respect for max heroing!

"By the way….." said Chiron….. "Mr.D…..the two of you devised a way to confuse him long enough for us to steal these gods? You may wonder why we didn't simply steal Mr.D first….while imagine carrying around a box that smells like Mr.D for about three hours….excackly.

"Yes…." I said…..cackling like a mad goat woman covered in taco's.

**Meanwhile, back in CAMP HALF BLOOD!**

"This gravity is all over the camp….in vibrant blue….I must deduct who did this…" said Mr.D, as all the campers looked on in fear.

Before him, in the afore mentioned vibrant blue paint, stood "**THIS WAS NOT DONE BY PERCY JACKSON!" **

"Hmm….I can clearly remove Percy from the list of suspect….seeing as it is, underlined…." Said Mr. D idly. "But who cares enough about Percy Jackson to want to ensure he does not suffer for their heinous crimes?"

His brow darkened. "Annabeth Chase! You have been found guilty! Thus you shall be forced to go with me as I shop for something which actually goes with this monocle."

"But Mr. D!" began Annabeth.

" Shut up." Said Mr.D and paused. "If anyone asks, we're not related. Come along now." And off they went, for several eventful hours.

BACK IN THE LIFT!



"Chiron, I have a question." I said. "If a man is amazing right…..he's amazing plus a man….does that mean he's mayonaising?"

"No. And we're not going to deal with the metaphysical." Said Chiron, closing the conversation. Aww…..but I love the metaphysical!


	8. I am tenacious

**I am tenacious……**

**Disclaimer: You all suck.**

"I hate you and your elevator." I said, calmly ignoring the shocked faces of my comrades.

"Oh yeah well your face stinks!" said Grover. I jumped up and punched him in the the ribs.

"The fuck!" yelled Chiron.

"What about it?" asked Rod.

"Shut it up!" said Chiron. Oh ho ho. Turn up the laugh track Walter! "The gods are spreading discord among us…." His eyes narrowed. "But…although the are omnipotent they suck so they don't know we're coming."

"I have a question though….." I said….. all eyes turned to my, the intensity of our group increasing tenfold. "We already the thwarted the gods' security's guard-

"Call him……Steve." said Rod.



"He's called Steve?" asked Grover.

"No, but saying "the gods' security guard" is so inefficient we should just call him Steve." said Rod, nodding sagely. " I was a policeman. We have skillz." The scary thing is, there are people who would think he has a point. Despite it being rude to point.

"We got past their Steve then." I said. "My point is, how do we get past the gets without getting blasted to shit?"

"The answer is….we don't." said Chiron. "Lets go home guys." We then left, each to our separate homes. Of course, Rod turned out to secretly be Zeus or something confusing but I wasn't really paying attention.

**At the Westside academy…….**

That's right. I'm back at school. A school filled with muthafucken gangsta. It's even affecting my narration for the Big G's sake.

Anyway, I've been here for three weeks, there have been several monsters attacks and twice I blew up roof of the girls bathroom as I was conveniently on the floor above it. Thankfully, only one of the incidents were tied to me, and the principle dismissed that as my attempt to get my "props."

Anyway, my problem is that a school like this can't attract the best teachers. So how the hell do I know if they're just your standard retard or an actual monster? Yeah, I'm seriously fuckitty fucked.

Anyway, I'm in some class or something and the teacher, Mr.Blofis or something keeps yelling at us about algebra or something weird.

"Good day class!" he said, walking in like a gentleman of fancy.

"Fo shizzle!" came the muted reply's.

"Now first order of business." he said, writing on the board. "I'M BANGING PERCY'S MOM!! AND SHE LIKES IT, SHE GETS IT ALLLLLL, YEAHHHHHHH!!" Wow. That Percy guy's life must suck.

"Anyway, take out your biology books, today we're gonna learn some serious accounting." said Blofis.

"But sir…..you give English." said Jolene. She was in my class. Probably a half blood. I don't give a shit though.

"Like any of you fucktards brought the correct books if any." said Blofis dismissively. "Okay…..lets say a guy who has many unlike your fucked up poor parents puts like a thousand dollars in a account, at a interest rate of 13.5 for two years. How much money does he have in the end of those years?"

"If it's not compounded it will be-" began Jolene, her intelligence and virtues shining brightly alongside the odd green Greek mythology thing that was sniffing her.

"HE WILL HAVE NOTHING!" yelled Blofis. "THE BANK WILL STEAL HIS FUCKING MONEY AND WHEN HE COMPLAINS THEY'LL SAY HIS PENIS IS TINY!"

"And if it's compounded?" I asked, hoping to score some "we can get jiggy in the closet" points with Jolene.

"THEN THEY SAY HIS PENIS IS REALLY TINY, LIKE YOURS!" said Blofis, nodding slightly.

"Ha ha! You got some "we can get jiggy in the closet" points for feigning interest but I'm taking several of now that I know of your tiny penis!" said Jolene, cackling madly.

" But baby!" said Damain. "I told ya, it ain't about size it's about the motion of ya ocean!" Okay……who was Jolene talking too? 

" YOU ALL SHUT UP!" yelled Blofis. "NOW, IF HE DEPOSITS TWO THOUSAND, THE ENGLISH WILL INVADE AMERICA AGAIN BECAUSE OF IT'S GREAT BANKING WEALTH AND SKILL. YET ANOTHER REASON TO NEVER GIVE THE BANKS YOUR MONEY!"

" Yeah, why should we give them money?" asked Carla, looking hot despite the fact from the angling I was sitting I couldn't make out who was speaking. And I don't know the person's name. "If they want money, the can like, work for it."



"Many people's view on what happened to the Mayan's and other Mexican cultures differ, seeing as they all got bigger and bigger and suddenly disappeared." said Blofis calmly. "Some theorize that I AM A MAD MAN WHO LIKES HORSES….GET SOME!GET SOME! while others are of the belief that the farming people got tired of being told what to do by the city people and wiped them out WITH KLEENEX, AWWWWWWW YEAH WE CAN TAP THE SHIZNESS FO SHOW!" Must…..feign…..interest…..

And then, the bell rang and we went to our respective break time hideaway's. I would like to say I spend each break wittily conversing with my friends. But in truth, I just went to the bathroom and masturbated.

As I walked into the bathroom I noticed something…..Mr.Blofis was in there.

"WHY GOOD DAY PERCY, DO YOU HAVE A CIGGARETTE FOR I DO LIKE SMOKING." said Blofis, looking fine in his clothes.

" Geez Mr.Blofis I didn't know you came to the bathrooms every break to do the one hand dance." I said.

" Do you have a smoke Persues?" he asked, his eyes turning lightning blue, wrath encircling him, the mist shriveling around him a truly powerful beast standing and….

"Fo shizzle." I said, handing him a cigarette.



"Ha ha you smoke I'm gonna report your ass!" he said, running out of the bathroom with the evidence of physical evidence.

Great. Now I'm going to have to keep the image of Blofis doing that Percy's guys mom out of my mind.


End file.
